This is the entirety of what I remember about these movies if working only from memories from childhood. Marshall added a few, too.
In retrospect, I watched a lot of R-Rated movies while being babysat by people who told me not to tell my parents about it.
A bearded man and some lady are against all odds. (A sex movie.)
(–Against All Odds)
(Viewed while tagging along with older sister on babysitting trip.)
A little boy has a miniature black stallion, which he holds up to the fire. Then the toy black stallion turns into a real stallion that he rides on the beach.
(–The Black Stallion)
The woman hits a big gong. She’s going to kill the man who loves her because she is an evil queen.
(–PBS broadcast of Turandot)
Aliens have green faces behind their real faces and their evil leader, Diana, eats hamsters.
(-V television miniseries)
The big-eyed guy and the other guy are two Sherlock Holmeses in a haunted castle.
(–The Private Eyes)
They try to escape the haunted house with the scary wheelchair man in a station wagon, but every bend in the road just keeps bringing them back.
The men run down the beach to the music.
(–Chariots of Fire)
The lady wearing lots of mascara gets mad in the army and cries in the rain.
The comedy guy does freaky sex things with the short-haired lady in the circus trailer.
(Viewed from behind hands over scandalized eyes in the broken-toy-strewn TV-room of the house of the neighborhood babysitter woman with the yippy dog.)
The scientist in Alaska eats the mice in his tent!
(–Never Cry Wolf)
There is a secret door to China, where men fight each other. The most evil one has a robot thing on his face.
(–Big Trouble in Little China)
After all the South Pole explorers go crazy and kill each other, the lone wolf who gave them this disease walks away toward America to infect the planet.
A high-school sex movie in which the girl takes off her bathing-suit top.
(–Fast Times at Ridgemont High)
The bush lights up mysteriously where the evil but good rats live.
(–The Secret of Nimh)
The native people are fascinated with and cowed by the modern technology of a Coca-Cola bottle.
(–The Gods Must Be Crazy)
George Burns is both God and the cigar-smoking devil.
(–Oh God, You Devil!)
There are endless numbers of Zulu that the British must kill.
Everyone sings while they’re fixing their roofs, except the Jewish man who complains to the camera that no one will marry his daughters.
(–Fiddler on the Roof)
Everyone’s scared of Clint Eastwood, who stands alone in the empty backyard of the farm. He’s returned to kill the man who raped and killed his wife and daughter.
(–Clint Eastwood movies on weekend-afternoon TV)
The cartoons sing with the man in the rocking chair in the movie my mom says is bad and wrong.
(–Song of the South)
Through a series of station-wagon chases, the group of women in the church keep the bad man from doing bad things.
(–The North Avenue Irregulars)
When Magnum PI had to fight the robots spiders in the future, he got to see a woman’s breasts in the mirror for a second.
The guy gets hit with the thing.
In the house with the scary windows, the dad goes crazy and tries to kill his own dog! In the end, they escape in the station wagon.
(–The Amityville Horror)
The vampire seduces and kills ladies in the dance club but you can tell he’s a vampire because he’s invisible in the mirror over his fireplace. Maybe with INXS.
Everyone’s scared of the man with the mustache, who stands alone in the empty alley in the bad neighborhood. He’s returned to kill the man who raped and killed his wife and daughter.
(–Death Wish movies on weekend-afternoon TV)
The naked alien guy lands on a woman’s farm and she loves him until the government takes him away because of his nakedness.
All the rabbits die.
(Thanks to Marshall for his memories of The Private Eyes, Zulu, The North Avenue Irregulars, Runaway, Starman, and Watership Down.)